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Shaquille O'Neal: "I'm like President Bush. You may not like me, you may not respect me, but you voted me in." |
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HoopsHype.com Columns All-Star
game should be Lefty vs. Righty
For all you unilinguals out there, mano-a-mano is Spanish for “hand-to-hand.” Speaking of español, if the righties take up our challenge, bet the house that before the final whistle they’ll be crying “No más.” Sorry, Mister Charlie. The pummeling portsiders won’t be taking prisoners. Lefties are a mere 11 percent of the population, but we’ve always produced a disproportionate number of superstars. We’re special that way. Babe Ruth was the best pitcher in the game until he decided to become the greatest slugger of all time – a title baseball historians could some day transfer to fellow lefty Barry Bonds. Steve Young was the best combination of pinpoint passing and broken-field running to ever grace a gridiron – until fellow lefty Michael Vick came along to blow everyone’s mind. Rod Laver, Jimmy Connors and John McEnroe make most everyone’s list of tennis’s all-time Top Five; on the women’s side, the name “Martina” says it all. In hoops, it all boils down to two words: Bill Russell. The greatest winner in the history of sports and the greatest center of all time led the Celtics to 11 championships in 13 seasons. Add to Russell these other southpaw centers — Dave Cowens, David Robinson, Willis Reed, Bob Lanier, Artis Gilmore and Mark Eaton – and you get the Magnificent Seven. And what do the righties have? Beyond Wilt, Moses, Hakeem and Kareem, it’s a sorry scene. Who wants Bill “Feets Don’t Fail Me Now” Walton or Patrick “No Ring” Ewing? Oh, right. I forgot “Shaqzilla,” or whatever he’s calling himself these days. Hate to break the news to you lost souls in La-La Land, but it would news if O’Neal could get off a shot against prime-time Eaton. A Shaq butt-whack attack wouldn’t even budge the Bunyonesque Jazzman, who’d feed the Little Fella a steady diet of return-to-sender leather. Now I’m the first to concede that, when it comes to dominant big men, we lefties are in a momentary lull. Still, I like what I see in underrated Seattle swatter Calvin Booth, who has sparked a Sonic resurgence. Once my main man Keon Clark recuperates from ankle surgery, the sky’s the limit for the youthful Jazz. And when hard-luck Raef LaFrentz returns next season with two strong knees, he’ll make Beantowners forget all about the trigger-happy righty the Celts pawned off on Mark Cuban. Best of all, come 2005-06 the NBA will commence a 15-year epoch that hoop historians will surely dub “The Darko Ages” (and yes, I’ve copyrighted that expression). It would start even sooner if Larry Brown had the good sense to unchain his Serb sensation. Sadly, what Brown is doing to Darko Millicic is standard operating procedure among pigheaded righthanded coaches, who delight in exiling young lefty studs to the end of the bench, not giving them a chance until every other option has been tried and found wanting. Rick Carlisle, for example, stuck it to Tayshaun Prince by sticking with Michael Curry. Prince had every right to pout but took the high road instead. When the call finally came, he graciously pulled Carlisle’s chestnuts out of the fire (albeit temporarily), singlehandedly winning the 2003 playoff series with Orlando and Philly. The same thing happened in Portland. Not until Maurice Cheeks was facing elimination against Dallas did it dawn on him to unleash the best young power forward in the game. Zach Randolph stepped out of the doghouse, strapped the Blazers to his broad shoulders and played like the star he was destined to become, nearly rallying the club from a death’s-door 3-0 deficit. Only the heroics of lefty shotmaker Nick “the Quick” Van Exel saved the Mavs and their gaggle of gagging righties. Simply put, there’s nothing Zach can’t do, and that’s why he’s my All-Star center. He’ll play that position on offense, to draw the righty big man away from the hoop, then revert to power forward at the defensive end. Speaking of lefty versatility, the Long Arm of Lamar will patrol the paint on D and guard the opposing center, while on offense he’ll run the show from a position I’ve dubbed “Power Point.” Mr. Odom will make a presentation hoop fans won’t soon forget. I’ll give you righthanded chumps a week to name your all-star personnel. Here’s ours: Starting five: Zach Randolph, Lamar Odom, Manu Ginobili, Michael Redd, Cuttino Mobley Reserves: Rightful Rookie of the Year Chris Bosh, Jalen Rose, Nick Van Exel, Calvin Booth, Tayshaun Prince, Damon Stoudamire, designated stopper Erick Strickland Head coach: Zen
Master Phil
Jackson First team to 150 wins. That’ll be us. With our speed, savvy, creativity and firepower, I reckon it’ll take about 41 minutes. Next! Dennis Hans’s essays on basketball — including the styles, rhythms and fundamentals of free-throw shooting — have appeared online at the Sporting News and Slate. His writings on other topics have appeared in the New York Times, Washington Post and Miami Herald, among other outlets. Tell us what you think about this column. E-mail us at HoopsHype@HoopsHype.com _____________________ |
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